Avatar Style Cocktail With A Touch Of Insanity
by Anything 'n' Everything
Summary: A mixture of wacky tales ranging from hallucinating tea lovers to adorable furry critters that bring out a never-before-seen side to a certain Fire Lord Zuko. Anyone looking for a bit of humour, you've come to the right place!
1. The Tea Lord

Disclaimer: I do not own Avatar: The Last Airbender but I'm completely addicted to it as Iroh is addicted to tea.

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**The Tea Lord**

Iroh sniffed the delicate pale yellow blossom, with its soft petals dusted with light streaks of gold.

"Hmm…Quite a delightful aroma. Intoxicatingly sweet and sooo enticing." Iroh was lost in thought. "Judging from my botanical knowledge, this is the wonderful plant known as Phoenix's Breath. It's pleasant smell has the power to soothe even the most distressed thoughts…I should have brought along a whole sack during the hunt for the Avatar last year for my hot-tempered, hot-headed nephew. Oh well, the situation is a lot better now. The world's at peace, I have my very own teashop and I kick butt at Pai Sho every single day." Iroh sighed with satisfaction.

His attention switched back to the yellow flower. "Speaking of tea, I suddenly remember that the petals of this plant can be brewed into one of the most delicious teas ever in the history of teas: the Chunling tea, best brew in whole of the Fire Nation."

He squinted at the little plant again. "Either that or it's the Disguised Devil, which can cause temporary insanity or vivid hallucinations if consumed, rather like cactus juice." At that thought, Iroh shrank back instinctively.

"What's life without taking a bit of risks here and there?" Iroh made up his mind and brought the assumed "Phoenix's Breath" back to the Jasmine Dragon.

* * *

_An hour later…_

Iroh hummed cheerily as he poured the golden-brown tea brewed from the "Phoenix's Breath".

"Well, here goes…" Iroh gulped down the entire cup at one go.

A weird shiver ran up his spine. "Uh oh, I think I've made a serious mistake…" This was his final thought before his mind went blank.

* * *

_A few minutes later…_

Iroh wandered out of the kitchen with a foolish grin spread across his face.

"Hey, wanna have a game of Pai Sho with me?" Aang rushed up to him, clutching a Pai Sho set.

"Step aside, filthy peasant," mumbled Iroh, an eerie glint in his half-closed eyes. "I have urgent matters to attend to."

Aang's face fell and a hurt look appeared in his pleading gaze. "But…"

"How dare you defy your lord's orders, minion? I have a good mind to incinerate you right here, right now!" bellowed Iroh.

Aang stumbled back, shocked. Taking no further notice of him, Iroh stalked over to Toph, who was lounging at a table in the empty teashop.

"You," Iroh barked. "Get the general here. This very instant!"

Toph raised an eyebrow, obviously confused. "Excuse me?"

"Argghh! Why am I surrounded by fools?" screamed Iroh, setting fire to the silk curtains nearby. Toph leapt up, suspicion and apprehension written all over her face.

Zuko rushed in at the sound of the commotion. "What's going…?"

"General!" Iroh strode right up to Zuko. "Get the army ready to invade the Coffee Kingdom and the Hot Chocolate Nation!"

"What?" Zuko was totally confused. "Coffee Kingdom and…?"

"The beggars from those nations dare to insult the history and culture of the mighty Tea Empire! I will conquer them this day, and show them the terror of the terribly terrifying Tea Empire, ruled by the all-powerful Tea Lord, which is I! AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" A demented spark flared in his eyes.

Sokka entered the teashop. "Hey, have you guys seen…"

"Coffee Kingdom soldier! ATTAAACK!" Iroh lunged at Sokka, tongues of flame appearing at his fists.

"Say WHA-Heeelpp!" Sokka barely managed to dodge out of the way before two fireballs incinerated the patch of ground he was standing on a moment ago.

"Coffee Kingdom soldier! You must PAY the price!" Iroh pursued Sokka relentlessly, sending fireball after fireball at him and lighting the closest objects aflame. "I am the Tea Lord, and nothing shall stand in my way!"

Sokka let out a truly feminine, high-pitched shriek. "I could use a whole lot of help now, guys!"

Aang and Zuko struggled to restrain Iroh while Toph deflected his fire blasts from the quivering Sokka. "Lemme at him!" howled Iroh, his face fiery red.

"His mental state right now is considerably disturbed!" Zuko panted.

Aang had a brainwave. "Stop! He's on our side! He's a spy from our military sent to the Coffee Kingdom in disguise."

Iroh ceased struggling immediately. "He is?"

Toph seized the opportunity to Earthbend a solid rock wall around Iroh, ignoring shouts of "TRAITOR!"

"We'd better get Katara to administer some medication," puffed Aang, wiping away beads of perspiration.

Sokka merely whimpered in agreement.

* * *

_Another hour later…_

Iroh heard blurred voices around him.

"When will he fully recover?"

"It may take a while. One cup of that brew is quite strong."

"That's an understatement."

Iroh squeezed his eyes open. The faces of Aang, Katara, Sokka, Toph and Zuko came into view.

"Uncle! How do you feel?" Zuko asked anxiously.

"Like my brains have been blown out of my head…"

"How could you drink something made from a weird unknown plant growing by the roadside? I thought you learnt from your lesson the last time you did something like this and nearly died from the rashes it caused!"

"What's life without taking a bit of risks here and there?" Iroh smiled weakly.

"…If you took risks like this so often, I wonder how you survived to this old age."

"Oh, I'll survive all right, for the sake of the delightful brew known as tea."

Zuko banged his head on the cabinet.

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_A/N: All reviews are greatly appreciated!_


	2. The Power Of A Fiery Snack

Disclaimer: I do not own Avatar: The Last Airbender.

_A/N: This story is for **LovelyIdiot**. Thanks so much for your review...It's my first. *sniff*_

_The "stars" in my second story are going to be Momo and Sokka because Momo is too adorable for words and I like making Sokka suffer. But no worries Sokka, it won't be TOO bad, I have a very kind soul…_

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**The Power Of A Fiery Snack**

Momo was just plain bored.

It was a typical day for Team Avatar. Appa lay on his back with all six legs splayed out towards the sky. Katara was preparing some snacks; Toph was fiddling with her meteor bracelet; Aang, Zuko and Suki were watching Sokka put on a display of his "unrivaled fighting skills" with a machete, which should more likely be referred to as wildly swinging the said weapon in great clumsy arcs with loud "Hiyarghs!" and grunts.

Momo stared at Sokka as the Water Tribe boy cleaved his machete down onto a bush ("Take that, you loser!"). The little lemur then made up his little lemur mind to take part in the action. Well, since he had absolutely nothing to do and was close to being bored to death, why shouldn't he join in the fun?

Momo chattered fiercely as he swooped down onto the poor bush and attacked it ferociously with his tiny paws and ripped out half the leaves. "Wow, even Momo's a better fighter than you, Sokka," smiled Suki. "Yeah, he's made far more progress with the bush than you did," said Zuko with a smirk.

"Great, now I'm being outclassed by a flying lemur," grumbled Sokka as Momo continued scratching and tearing at the bush.

"Snacks are ready!" called Katara. Sokka rushed over immediately, abandoning his machete. "Yay! Peaches and cream! My all-time favourite!"

Unfortunately (for Sokka anyway), Momo beat him to it. With a nimble grab, the peaches in the plate Sokka was reaching for were "abducted" by the flying robber.

"You little…peach-stealer!" howled Sokka. "What have you got against me anyway?"

Momo chittered happily as he landed on Aang's shoulder, nibbling one of the tasty fruits. "Calm down Sokka," said Aang. "It's not like you're going to die of starvation or something."

"But good, delicious peaches are so expensive and so hard to come by these days!" argued Sokka. "Especially when you're in a poor, close-to-penniless state like we're in right now!"

"Sokka, stop your rambling. You are _not _going to fight over _peaches_ with a _lemur_," ordered Katara. "Especially not with a cute little guy like Momo." Momo bounded across to Katara and rubbed his head against her hand. Sokka sulked.

"Hmph! Momo gets the priority over me every time! I have feelings too you know!"

"Don't tell me you're jealous of a _lemur_, Sokka," drawled Toph.

"I'm not!" Sokka protested in a tone of voice that made no one believe him.

Momo scuttled off into the nearby woods. A minute later, he returned with a rosy-red, scrumptious-looking apple and held it out to Sokka.

"Well, what d' you know! He's trying to make it up to me!" grinned Sokka as he reached for the apple.

Quick as lightning, Momo whipped back his paw and chucked the apple at Sokka's forehead. It collided into its target with a dull _thunk_.

"Momo!" cried Aang, aghast as Sokka rolled on the ground clutching his forehead, groaning: "Ohh, the searing pain! I need first-aid medication! Pronto!"

"Momo, behave yourself! I'm ashamed at your attitude!" scolded Aang as Momo sat on his lap licking a paw.

"Well, I'm ashamed at YOUR attitude, Sokka!" snapped Katara as Sokka moaned. "A small knock on your head and you act like a crybaby!"

"A SMALL KNOCK?" said Sokka incredulously. "I'm gonna have a bruise here for days!" He jabbed a finger at his slightly swollen forehead. "That lemur has great aim and throws real hard!"

"If you whine any longer I'll give you another one to match IN THE MIDDLE OF YOUR FACE!" growled Katara. Sokka muttered an oath under his breath but didn't dare to say anything more.

* * *

_At night…_

"We've run out of provisions," Katara rummaged through their bags. "There's a town nearby where we can get some more," said Zuko.

After dressing up in Fire Nation costumes, the Gaang headed towards the town, with Zuko leading the way.

Sokka wandered away from the group and strolled along by himself, glancing at the stalls around him. "Too bad we don't have enough money to get some Fire Nation snacks after we buy our provisions," sighed Sokka wistfully as he passed by a shop selling fire flakes. "I've grown fond of spicy junk food."

In the distance, he heard a man yelling, "Play the game and stand a chance to win a mouth-watering prize! It's a great deal like no other! Anyone can try their hand at this delightful game! Hurry, before the best prizes are taken!"

Sokka's interest was sparked and he walked towards the man and his stall. "What sort of game?"

"It's simple: you throw a dart through each of these flaming hoops, and if all five hit the target, you win a Flaming Fire Snack Combo Set! But, to make the challenge more interesting, the darts and the targets must be intact without any scorch marks from the flaming hoops. All for the price of one copper piece! Do you have the guts to take the challenge?"

Sokka had started to drool at the words "Flaming Fire Snack Combo Set". He fished around in his pocket and brought out his last copper piece. Sokka was experienced with a boomerang, but he wasn't so sure about darts. But hey, he was desperate. He'd do anything for that sack of goodies. "I accept the challenge!"

He handed over the copper piece and received five darts. He looked at the fiery hoops and gulped. They seemed to get smaller and smaller the longer he looked at them. He wasn't sure if he could do this, but there was no turning back now. He was determined to emerge victorious or die in the attempt.

Sokka raised his first dart. All of a sudden, a whitish streak shot past him and snatched away his darts. "MOMO!"

Momo sat in front of the stall, chattering. Before Sokka could make a move, Momo flung a dart through the first flaming hoop.

"Thud!" Bull's-eye! Sokka's own eyes were ready to pop out of their sockets as Momo threw the darts right through the hoops towards the targets with unerring aim and accuracy.

"Huh?" The stall-owner was equally stunned. He checked the darts quivering on their targets. Slowly, then louder and louder, the man began to laugh. "Those were perfect hits! None of the darts were burned or harmed in any way! This lemur is an expert!"

Sokka merely stared, dumbfounded. Momo licked his paw serenely with a smug look on his face, as if congratulating himself.

"Well, I said anyone could take the challenge…so here you go, little lemur!" The man handed Momo a huge sack of assorted goodies, which little Momo struggled to lift. "The Flaming Fire Snack Combo Set!"

Momo chittered his thanks and hopped on to Sokka's shoulder. He offered the bag of snacks to Sokka.

"F-f-f-for…For me?" Sokka eyes watered comically. Then he stopped. "You aren't going to fling it in my face again, are you?"

Momo chattered indignantly, as if assuring him to just take it. Sokka grabbed the bag, yelled, "Oh, MOMO!" and then proceeded to squeeze the breath out of the tiny lemur with a crushing hug.

At the same time, the rest of the Gaang turned round the corner and rushed towards them. "Where in the world have you two been? We were worried nuts!" Katara began a tirade. "How could you just disappear without telling anybody? And…why are you crushing Momo in such an _intimate_ embrace?"

"Well, guys," sniffled Sokka, wiping tears of happiness from the corners of his eyes. "Momo and I have officially made up and…"

"And you two are getting engaged?" queried Toph excitedly. Sokka glared at her before remembering that she couldn't see it. "That's how it would turn out in those soppy scenes."

"One, I am a human and Momo's a flying lemur. Two, I have no romantic feelings whatsoever towards him," Sokka stated. "No offense, Momo."

"But we are going to be BEST FRIENDS FOREVER! I just know it!" Sokka pulled Momo into another tight hug.

"Now you remind me of Ty Lee," snorted Zuko.

"Let's get back to our campsite," said Suki as she dragged Sokka off a nearly-suffocated Momo.

Sokka and Momo stuffed their faces with spicy snacks all the way back and by the time they reached the campsite their taste buds were nearly burned off their tongues. But everything between those two was going to turn out just fine…all because of a Flaming Fire Snack Combo Set.

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A/N: Please review and give me your opinion! Thanks! :)


	3. Cuddles

_A/N: This story is for **Alteria**. A thousand words of thanks for your review!_

Disclaimer: I do not own ATLA.

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**Cuddles**

Fire Lord Zuko strolled along the lush gardens of the Royal Palace and made his way to the turtle-duck pond. He sat at the edge of the clear blue water, throwing bread crumbs into the pond and watching the turtle-ducks swim forwards to peck them up greedily. It wasn't often that he got to enjoy a sweet, silent moment on his own like this, what with all his generals and advisors swarming around as they listed out endless tasks and duties.

Unfortunately, the peace and quiet did not last for long. "ZUKO!"

The Fire Lord sighed as a young bald-headed monk who happened to be the Avatar came rushing up, clutching a furry ball in his hands. "What now, Aang?"

"I found this little guy shivering all alone under a bush!" Aang opened his hands, revealing a small rabbit-hamster. It had light chocolate-coloured fur all over its round body, except for its tummy, which was a creamy white colour. Its long ears and tiny nose twitched as it stared at Zuko through melting brown eyes. The little creature was the picture of overwhelming cuteness.

Zuko did not appear to be impressed. "So?"

"Can't you see it is oozing adorableness? Aren't you touched by its sweet, melting gaze? I thought you'd like cute animals, judging from the way you treat your turtle-ducks." Aang looked at said turtle-ducks swimming round and round happily.

Zuko rolled his eyes. "That was because of my mom's influence. I'm not really into cute critters."

"Aww. I really wanted to keep it. Please, Zuko?"

"…I am not having too many pets running around the palace. Momo and Hawky are enough."

"Pleeeaaasse?"

"No."

"Pleeeaaasse with a fruit pie on top?"

"No!"

"Pleeeaaasse with a fruit pie and whipped cream on top?"

"No!"

"Pleeeaaasse with a fruit pie and whipped cream and golden syrup on top?"

Zuko gave up. "Fine. Have it your way."

"Yay! I'm going to make a little house for Cuddles right away!" Aang squealed and danced off, squeezing "Cuddles" in his arms. Zuko was reminded of Ty Lee. He tried to push the mental image of Aang in a shocking pink costume out of his mind.

* * *

_Two days later…_

Aang hummed as he strolled to "The Pet Room", which was Momo and Hawky and now Cuddles' special hideout. As he put a hand on the doorknob, he heard a familiar voice inside.

"Ooooh, aren't you just a bundle of sweetness! Cootchy-cootchy-coo!" Aang pressed his ear to the door as the baby-talk grew slightly louder. "Who's got a soft furry belly? Why, 'wittle' Cuddles of course! Cootchy-cootchy!"

Aang inched the door open. There, sitting in the midst of all the toys and baskets, with Cuddles the rabbit-hamster in his lap, was Zuko.

Zuko caught sight of Aang staring at him from the doorway. A stunned silence hung in the air. Zuko's face grew steadily redder and redder with each uncomfortable second.

"Hi, Zu…" Aang's weak greeting was cut short when Zuko leapt up and pulled Aang towards himself until their noses were an inch from each other. "Not. A. Single. Word. To. Anyone. _Or else_." He raised a threatening finger for effect.

Aang gulped. "Yes, Mr. Fire Lord, sir."

Little did they know that Sokka was crouching below the window, snickering as he clutched the Mechanist's newest invention: a video recorder. And he was filming.

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_A/N: Aww, big macho Fire Lord Zuko has a soft spot for cute furry animals…Please review and tell me what you think!_


	4. The Nightmares of Fire Lord Ozai

_A/N: This has got to be my best story yet! Okay, so this one is for __**emotionalpoemgirl**__, __**Iris SN. Hebe**__ and __**mywildimagination**__. Thanks for favouriting this guys! (But I'd prefer it if somebody will review it…I've gotten very few reviews.__)_

Disclaimer: I do not own ATLA, "I'm Yours" or "Billie Jean". If I did, I would be rolling in money.

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**The Nightmares of Fire Lord Ozai**

Tomorrow the most feared day in the history of the Fire Nation will arrive: the Day of Black Sun.

Fire Lord Ozai paced his chambers in the Royal Family's underground hideout, deep down under the volcano. He mentally went through all his plans and defences: the entrance to their hideout was securely hidden, the guards were at their stations, the soldiers were at their respective positions, the airships and war-balloons invented by that foolish mechanist were hidden away from sight and stocked up with a variety of bombs.

He nodded grimly to himself. Yes, everything was ready: the attacks and defences were all carefully planned out. Now, the only thing he lacked was…his beauty sleep.

Yes, even the all-powerful Fire Lord needed his sleepy time.

Ozai changed into his silk pajamas, beautifully embroidered and patterned with…teddy bears. Really, teddy bears. Yellow ones. He had been an avid fan of Winnie the Pooh when he was a boy, and that love had never quite died away. Nobody knew about his pajamas, and the tailor had been eliminated once the pajamas was made. One night, he had been wearing that favourite pajamas of his when a general burst into his royal bedroom, babbling on about some "big news"…until he caught sight of Ozai in his teddy bear pajamas. That man never lived to tell the tale. From that day on, Ozai ordered that "no one can enter the Fire Lord's bedroom at night before knocking and counting to fifty, or else the punishments would be…severe."

Enough rambling. Ozai clambered onto his soft bed, savouring the feel of his silken sheets and fluffy pillows. He hugged his teddy bear and slowly drifted into dreamland.

* * *

Ozai stood in the midst of tables and chairs occupied by chattering people munching on burgers. Where was he? He looked up and saw a sign above a counter. Ah, McDonalds.

Ozai strode forwards, elbowing people in his way until he reached the front of the queue. "One Double Cheeseburger, one medium-sized set of Chicken McNuggets, one large set of McShaker Fries, one large cup of Coke…oh, and one set of Happy Meals. I want the one that comes with the Winnie the Pooh toy."

The lady nodded and got all the food…except the Happy Meal. "Sorry sir, we're out of Winnie the Pooh toys. Perhaps you'd like one—"

"WHAT? No Winnie the Pooh?" Ozai blasted the lady to smithereens, grabbed his tray and stalked over to the nearest table, sulking.

Just as he bit into one of the crispy McNuggets, the Avatar crashed into the restaurant. "Your days are over, Fire Lord. I'm bringing you down!"

Ozai surveyed the boy with a raised eyebrow. The stupid interrupting brat sported a punk hairstyle and wore branded pop star clothes and Levi's jeans. A gold earring was on his left ear.

"You'll have to wait until I finish my burger." Ozai waved the Double Cheeseburger in the air and took a bite. Iroh wasn't the only one who enjoyed his food.

The Avatar drooled. "Nope, none for you!" Ozai pulled his precious tray of food towards himself, chomping away with sounds of "Mmmhh!" and "Ahhhh!" The Avatar's face fell.

Minutes passed as Ozai savoured the wonderfully cheesy taste of his burger, sipped his ice drink and nibbled on his nuggets. The Avatar's face grew redder and slowly turned maroon. All of a sudden he burst into song.

_I won't he-si-tate, no more, no-o more_

_It can-not wait, I'm su-u-ure_

_There's no nee-eed to com-pli-cate_

_Your time i-is short_

_This is your fate YOU'RE DEEEAAAD!_

The Avatar unleashed a powerful Airbending blast that sent Ozai's meal flying. "MY BURGER!"

Ozai glared at the impudent youth with venom in his golden eyes. "You'll pay for this!"

Ozai took on a Firebending stance. The Avatar sank into an Earthbending form, high-and-mighty nose in the air. People gathered around, yelling: "Fight! Fight! Fight!"

"DON'T fight!" Ozai and the Avatar spun round to face a plump figure in pink. Ozai's jaw dropped.

Spotlights shone down onto Iroh as he struck a pose. "DENG DENG DENG DENG!" Impressive opening music blared from loudspeakers. Iroh's massive body was clad in a striking pink silk dress that revealed his enormous belly and belly button.

"Wow, Iroh, that costume sure shows off your _wonderful_ figure," Ozai drawled sarcastically.

"I did not come here to get complimented on my outfit, _thank_ _you very much_. I am here to organize a contest, in which you and the Avatar will compete in to prove who's the top dog. Unless, you're not man enough," Iroh added slyly.

"Bring it on!" Ozai and the Avatar shouted in unison. The restaurant shimmered and vanished.

* * *

Ozai, Iroh and the Avatar appeared in an arena filled with people cat-calling and whooping from their seats. The middle of the arena was empty except for two long tables with hundreds of hamburgers piled on top. Iroh pushed Ozai and the Avatar towards the tables.

"The competition is on! Fire Lord Ozai versus the Avatar, in a HAMBURGER-EATING COMPETITION!" Iroh's magnified voice echoed around the arena as the crowd cheered.

Ozai and the Avatar glared daggers at each other over the piles of burgers from the opposite tables. "3…2…1!"

Ozai grabbed an armful of burgers and stuffed them into his mouth. The Avatar too had his hands full of burgers as he shoved one burger after the other down his throat.

"Impressive, Avatar, but you are no match for me!" Ozai thought as he gulped down three burgers in one huge chomp. "Double Cheeseburger is my best favourite food of all time!"

The eating competition continued for fifteen more minutes. Ozai was down to his last cheeseburger. The Avatar, on the other hand, looked bloated and ready to puke.

Ozai frantically swallowed his burger just before the bell went DING. "Fire Lord Ozai wins this round!"Iroh declared.

"HAHAHAHAHA! In your face, Avatar! Wait…'this round'? There are more rounds?"

"Of course! Two more to go!" Iroh pinned a star on Ozai's robes, grabbed hold of him and the Avatar and disappeared in a puff of pink smoke.

* * *

The three of them found themselves in a zen-looking park. Pretty girls in rich finery giggled everywhere.

"This round is to test your social skills," announced Iroh. "You have to compete to see who can woo the most ladies and get the most signatures…within thirty minutes! START!"

Ozai faltered. Social skills were definitely not his strong point. Oh well, a man's got to do what a man's got to do.

He strode up to a beautiful lady in yellow. "Hello…you are, uh…very pretty. Your figure is perfect, just like…" He glanced at her sunflower-yellow dress and remembered his all-time favourite cartoon bear. "…just like Winnie the Pooh!"

"WHAT?" The lady shrieked and slapped him. "HOW DARE YOU!" She stalked off in a huff.

Ozai touched his stinging cheek and glanced at the Avatar. That little nincompoop was doing some sort of silly marble trick, which involved the marbles spinning round and round at high speed. The eyes of the girls clustered around him were going round and round too as they gave high tinkling laughs. "Would all you dazzlingly fair maidens please sign my paper here? I want to keep it as a memory." The Avatar's smooth flattering talk sent the ladies squealing as they fought to sign his paper. Ozai smacked his forehead in despair. He'll never catch up at this rate.

_Half an hour later…_

"…And the winner is the Avatar!" Iroh pinned a star to the smirking Avatar's shirt as the ladies squealed in delight. Ozai was now sporting a purple eye and had several slap marks on his cheeks.

"Come, my good fellows!" Iroh clicked his fingers and pink smoke engulfed them again.

* * *

When the smoke cleared, Ozai saw an enormous stage with glaring spotlights. "Your last challenge will take place here!" Iroh gestured flamboyantly and his bulging belly wobbled like a jelly. "TALENT SHOW!"

The audience clapped wildly. "Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Avatar's Got Talent!"

"Your first contestant is none other than the mighty Fire Lord Ozai!"

Ozai stepped onto the stage gingerly. "I am the all-powerful Fire Lord Ozai, and I shall perform…er…perform…give a demonstration of my unrivaled Firebending skills!"

Ozai sank into the Taming Tiger stance. He leapt up into the air and produced a ring of red-hot flame with a spinning kick. He twirled, spun, struck, jabbed, kicked and punched, flames flaring in all directions with a powerful destructive force.

Ten minutes later, Ozai landed with a flourish and gazed at his audience…where WAS his audience?

He looked around. Fire was consuming the entire stadium, flames licking the walls, floor and ceiling. The audience was nowhere in sight.

"Well, that was an _enlightening_ performance." Iroh extinguished the blinding fires with a wave of his hand as the audience filed back in cautiously.

"And now…" He restored the stadium back to its usual state with another magical wave of his hand. "…it's time for the second contestant to present his performance. May I present…the Avatar!"

The Avatar casually made his way up the stage. Ozai's eyes widened as he saw that the wimpy kid was dressed in a shimmering black jacket and pants with a black hat perched jauntily on his now-bald head. He had a white glove on his right hand.

"Ladies and Gentlemen, I am going to give a stunning performance that will blow you off your seats. That's right, I am going to dance to…Michael Jackson's BILLIE JEAN!" The crowd cheered wildly.

_Billie Jean's not my lover_

_She's just a girl who claims I am the ooonnne!_

The crowd went berserk at the Avatar's slick dance moves. He did the Toe Stand, the Anti-Gravity Lean, the Spin and the Side-Glide, in perfect synchronization with the pop music. When he did the Moonwalk, several people swooned and hyperventilated. Ozai could only grind his teeth in despair.

The music ended as the Avatar (dratted fool!) spun to a stop. Everyone cheered and threw flowers and other precious belongings onto the stage.

"And so we have our winner, not only for this challenge, for the whole competition too…the Avatar!"

Ozai yelled to the sky. "NOOOOOOO—"

* * *

"—OOOOOOOOO!" Ozai's eyes snapped open as his guards crashed in. "Sir! Are you alright?"

"I'm fine!" snapped Ozai…until he saw that they were staring at his teddy bear pajamas with surprise written all over their faces.

"AAAAARGH! Curse you Avatar!" Ozai screamed as the guards scurried away from the blast of his scorching flame aimed directly at them.

After half an hour of hyperventilating, Ozai rested his head on his pillow. That blasted Avatar will never get away with embarrassing him in front of his followers, even if it was in an indirect way. He will blow that kid up into a thousand tiny fragments, and…why did he suddenly feel an urge to check if his pants were on?

* * *

A/N: I wrote that Ozai felt like he wanted to check his pants because on that same night Aang had been dreaming his crazy dream that finally ended with Ozai without pants. So maybe Ozai's gut-feeling was telling him to check his pants or something, just in case...

The song that Aang squawked was edited from Jason Mraz's "I'm Yours" that I had been listening to for the past few days.

A thousand pleas to review!


	5. Mourning A Loved One

_A/N: I only have one word for you: Enjoy!_

Disclaimer: I do not own ATLA or "My Heart Will Go On".

* * *

**Mourning A Loved One**

A ten-year-old Zuko wailed to the heavens, clutching the remains of his long-gone darling tightly as melodramatic music blared in the background. "NOOOOOOOOOOO!"

"How could you leave me so heartlessly, so alone in this cruel world? For so long, I have cared for you, poured my heart out to you, told you all my deepest secrets…We shared a bond greater than any other that ever existed, but now…you have abandoned me to the harsh merciless gales, to the freezing rain pouring down from the thundercloud-grey sky…but the one that hurts most is the bitter chill seeping into the very depths of my heart." Zuko sniffed.

"I know, I had neglected you ever since I started going to the most horrific institution ever invented by mankind—school." Zuko's eyebrows scrunched together as he recalled terrifying memories.

"Oh, the terror! I couldn't afford to spend too much time with you, what with all the crushing piles of homework suffocating me, peer pressure and whatnot…how I regret that I didn't make enough time for you…but even so, you crept into my dreams every night, soothing me, calming me, assuring me that you were always there for me…I fall asleep thinking about your bright grin, the twinkle in your eyes…To think that I'll never be able to see your smiling face again…"

"But!" Zuko stood up abruptly, holding a fist to his chest. "Although you are gone, you will exist forever in my mind and soul…in here." He put a hand over his heart as tears flowed uncontrollably down his cheeks.

_Neeeaaar, faaaaaar, whereeeever you are_

_I beliiieeeve that the heart doooees go ooo-o-o-on_

_Ooonce mooore you ooopen the door_

_And you're heeere in my heart _

_And my heart will go ooon and ooon._

Zuko's voice unconsciously rose to a pitch capable of shattering glass as nostalgia overwhelmed his senses.

_YOOOUUUR HEEEEEEEEEERE_

_THERE'S NOOOOOOOTHING I FEAR_

_AAAND I KNO-OW MY HEART WIIIL GO OOO-OOO-OOO-ON_

_WEEEE'LL STAAAYY FOREEEEVER THIS WAAA-AAA-AAAY_

_YOU ARE SAAAFE IN MY HEART AND_

_MY HEART WIIIL GO OOOOON AND OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOON!_

_

* * *

_

Azula watched from a behind a pillar, giggling at sniveling Zuzu's drama. Really, incinerating his cuddly Barney toy had been more than worth it. Who knew that a ten-year-old boy was capable of such fluent soppy speeches.

* * *

_A/N: The song Zuko screeched was one of Celine Dion's most popular hits: "My Heart Will Go On"._

_Dear readers, I am begging you to review…_


	6. Happy Family

_A/N: This is one insane chapter…_

Disclaimer: I do not own ATLA.

* * *

**Happy Family**

Katara was in a really bad mood. As Mai had gone off on a trip to visit her family, she had been put in charge of the palace affairs, including babysitting a flighty Avatar, her good-for-nothing brother, an Earthbending troublemaker, and also a bad-tempered Fire Lord. Not to mention a certain pest of a lemur.

Earlier that day, the said Earthbending troublemaker had somehow managed to slip a few drops of cactus juice into Aang's drink and now the bald-headed monk was whizzing around at sixty miles per hour on an Air Scooter, yelling: "TURN UP THE MUSIC PAL, AND ROOOCK IT! OH YEEEAAAH, BABY, WHOO-HOOOO! I LOVE YOU, ROKU! YOUR DANCE MOVES ARE SLICK! GIDDY-UP, SOZIN! SHAKE YOUR BOOTY TO THE GROOVE! THAT'S THE WAY, AHA AHA!" A trail of destruction had followed wherever he went, and "wherever he went" meant the entire Royal Palace. Toph, who seemed to have taken an overdose of cactus juice herself, cackled maniacally as she "surveyed" the chaos (with her feet obviously) in utter satisfaction.

Meanwhile, Fire Lord Zuko, with his top knot crooked and hair coming loose in places, had been chasing after Momo for over an hour. The winged thief had apparently managed to get his paws on some "highly-confidential information" regarding the Fire Lord himself, meaning his leather-bound diary with a padlock on it. Momo had somehow ingeniously picked the lock and was sitting on top of a chandelier, tearing out page after page, chattering happily. Zuko could only grind his teeth in despair as years of memories were destroyed mercilessly.

When Momo ripped the twentieth page into bits and pieces, Zuko finally lost his cool. "AAAAAARGH!" He began scorching everything in sight, which unfortunately included Sokka's pants.

"What's that smoky smell of something barbecuing? And how come I've got a weird…kind of ticklish feeling spreading from my backside?" Sokka twisted over to investigate.

A piercing scream rattled the windowpanes a second later. "MY SHAPELY BUTTOCKS ARE ON FIRE!"

Sokka rushed past Katara in a state of panic, horrified at the clouds of acrid black smoke billowing from his behind. "WATER! I NEED WAAATERRRRR!"

That was the last straw. Katara whirled round to face the shrieking Sokka, a demented look upon her face. "You want water, I'LL GIVE YOU WATER!"

A water whip lashed Sokka across his buttocks, dousing the flames but on the other hand sent him flying into the bathroom. The water in the toilet blasted out, grabbed Sokka's head, sucked itself back and was frozen solid in the blink of an eye.

Everyone else stared in horror at the dramatic display of Toilet-Waterbending. Even Momo let the remains of the diary fall from his paws to the polished marble floor with a _thud_.

Katara inhaled and exhaled noisily, sounding like a savage saber-tooth moose-lion ready to go on a mad rampage.

"Anyone else who tries my patience again is going to end up like that oaf stuck in there." She motioned to Sokka, who was making muffled whimpering noises as he endeavored to tug his head out, to no avail. "YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED!"

Zuko nodded in submission. Even Aang and Toph, whose level of sanity wasn't completely back to normal yet, inclined their heads meekly. None of them dared to disagree, for fear of hitting the "explode" button on the live bomb fuming in front of them.

Momo chittered weakly. He was too intelligent to understand human speech, of course, but he knew the consequences would be dire if the lady in blue lost her head.

"Now, Zuko, take your diary and go back to signing your documents." Zuko picked up the tattered pages of his diary and stumbled away like a zombie.

"Aang, Toph, I give you five minutes to clear your head from all that cactus juice." The duo looked at each other blankly and tried various methods to get rid of the woozy feeling. Toph shook her head so violently until she tottered and collapsed in a heap. Aang held his nose and blew like a trumpet, his eardrums nearly bursting from the pressure.

Katara rounded on Momo. "You! Just keep yourself out of my sight." She pointed towards the garden. Momo chattered obediently as he scampered off, thinking that Katara had ordered him to dig out some flowers or something. Wait, that didn't sound right…oh well, he'll just hide in a corner till the fierce blue lady calmed down.

A typical day for one big, happy family.


	7. A Backfired Operation

_A/N: Why does Ozai despise his eldest son so much? Well, maybe because of this incident…_

* * *

**A Backfired Operation**

A fourteen-year-old Lu Ten and a ten-year-old Zuko crouched behind a thick hedge in the lush gardens of the Royal Palace. "Are you sure it's going to be okay?" asked the younger boy.

"Trust me, everything will go smoothly," assured the other boy with a mischievous glint in his eyes. "We'll creep through the garden towards the corridor at the opposite end. Then, we'll sneak into the kitchens while all the cooks are away having a lunch break, and mix the contents of this tin…" He shook a container lightly. "…with the tin of jasmine tea. After that we'll just watch and wait."

"My dad will be the first to go in and make tea. When he drinks it, the effects will start to kick in." Lu Ten finished outlining the details of their master plan.

"How do you know Uncle Iroh will be the one who drinks it? And you stiil haven't told me what's in your tin," complained Zuko.

"My dad's obsessed with tea. Believe me, he can't go without tea for a few hours. About what's in my tin…well, let's just say the powdery stuff will give you a facial makeover."

"Don't you think it's a bit mean to pull this on your dad?'

"Nah, he's got a sense of humour. Now stop worrying your head off and keep a lookout for spies. We don't want anyone catching us." Lu Ten peered through the leaves of the bush.

* * *

_Fifteen minutes later…_

The cooks and dishwashers began filing out for their break. Once everyone cleared off, Lu Ten whispered: "Now!" and started bounding towards the opposite corridor with the stealth of a ninja. Zuko followed his lead a little more clumsily, occasionally dodging behind shrubbery and trees just in case someone was watching.

They successfully reached the corridor. "Step One accomplished." Lu Ten grinned and dragged Zuko into the spotless kitchen.

"Now, you keep watch and I'll get this done." Lu Ten sprinted over to the cabinets and rummaged around in drawers as Zuko kept a watchful eye on the doorway.

Unfortunately, he didn't keep a watchful ear open too. It was only until the footsteps approached the door that Zuko pricked up his ears. "Somebody's coming!"

Too late. The wooden door swung open before Lu Ten or Zuko could make a move. Standing there with her arms crossed and a suspicious expression upon her face, was Ursa.

"What do you think you're doing?" she demanded with a raised eyebrow.

"We are currently executing Step Two in our master plan that involves Uncle Iroh's tea," babbled Zuko before Lu Ten shot him a furious glance.

Ursa smiled at Lu Ten. "I'm glad you're taking the time to play with your cousin, Lu Ten. Make sure you keep an eye on him."

"Uh, okay, Aunt Ursa. I'll keep TWO eyes on him." Lu Ten could only stare in surprise.

"Mmm." Ursa walked out with a swish of her robes.

Lu Ten wiped cold sweat from his brow. "Phew! Now back to work!" He continued opening drawer after drawer.

A minute later, he let out a small exclamation of triumph as he held up a tin. "Got it!" He deftly pried open both the lids of the can and his own container and mixed some of the powder with the tea leaves. "That should do it! Step Two accomplished!"

Another set of heavier footsteps echoed from the corridor and this time Zuko detected it early enough. "There's someone else heading our way!"

Lu Ten and Zuko dived into an empty cupboard just before a tall figure plodded into the kitchen. Unfortunately, it wasn't Iroh.

Prince Ozai stalked over to the tin of tea sitting on the shelf. He reached for hot water, a china cup and a teaspoon, poured in some tea leaves and hot water and started stirring.

"Oh, crud!" Lu Ten mumbled fearfully, peering through a crack as Ozai stirred the concoction, blissfully unaware of what was going to befall him.

Before Lu Ten could stop him, Zuko burst from their hiding place, yelling, "DAD, FREEZE!"

Ozai froze.

"Why are both of you hiding in the cupboard?" Ozai thundered a moment later as he caught sight of Lu Ten too. "Get out at once!"

"Dad, don't drink that, it'll…what will it do?" Zuko turned towards Lu Ten as Ozai took a sip from his cup.

The effect was instantaneous. Ozai's nose swell to the size and colour of a ripe tomato and his eyes puffed up to the size of a tennis ball. Warts and boils appeared all over his forehead and cheeks. The cup smashed to the floor as he gasped and raised his hands to his face.

"THAT'S what it'll do." Lu Ten voice shook with fear.

Ozai saw his reflection in one of the sparkling-clean frying pans hanging from the ceiling. "WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?"

"Err…we gave you a…hideously disfigured new look?" Lu Ten offered weakly. Zuko cringed behind his cousin.

Ozai towered over them, tongues of orange flame appearing from his clenched fists. The stainless kitchen utensils reflected the firelight onto his red, swollen features, crimson and orange melding together perfectly.

Ozai was about to turn them into lumps of charred, barbecued meat when Iroh showed up. "Brother! What are you doing to our children?"

Lu Ten and Zuko rushed to their saviour's side. Ozai, whose back was facing Iroh, howled in indignation. His shoulders trembled with rage. "What am I doing to them? What am I doing to them? Why don't you ask them, WHAT HAVE THEY DONE TO ME?" He swung round to face his elder brother and Iroh reeled back at the sight of his deformed face.

Iroh faced Lu Ten and Zuko sternly. "What did you do?"

"Uncle Ozai accidentally drank the stuff made from tea leaves...and the powder from a tigerdillo's scales." Lu Ten confessed in a squeaky voice. "Which was actually meant for you," Zuko added helpfully as Lu Ten slapped his forehead in despair.

"BUT!" Lu Ten almost yelled in desperation. "The effects only last for five hours!"

"FIVE HOURS?" Ozai roared. "I HAVE TO HIDE MY FACE FOR FIVE HOURS?"

Iroh attempted to calm Ozai down. "Brother, they're only kids. They'll grow out of it eventually. Now, how about a cup of calming jasmine tea?"

"THAT TEA?" Ozai gestured wildly to the remains of the shattered cup and spilled tea on the tiled floor.

Iroh whispered to Lu Ten and Zuko. "You two just get out of here as quick as you can. I'll handle this, alright?" The duo nodded and rushed off, more than glad to leave the crime scene.

Iroh managed to get Ozai to cool down after an hour of coaxing. Ozai had locked himself in his chambers, fuming until his swells, warts and boils completely wore off. Lu Ten and Zuko received the telling-off of the century, but thinking back, perhaps it had been worth it. The look on Ozai's face had been priceless!

The only thing was, Ozai had never been the same towards Zuko from that day onwards.


	8. Rock Music Night

_A/N: All the songwriters and singers whose songs I used in my stories, please don't take offence or anything. Your songs are great and I love them. It's just that there doesn't seem to be many people in the world of Avatar who have musical talent...(excluding Iroh, Lieutenant Jee, etc, etc)_

_This story is for **Sailingseas** and **Kimberly T.** Thanks for the reviews! They mean a lot to me!_

Disclaimer: I don't own ATLA or "Fire Burning".

* * *

**Rock Music Night**

Fire Lord Zuko stumbled into the lounge where the rest of the Gaang was chilling out, his hair slightly tousled and a frustrated expression on his face.

Sokka looked up from drawing a horrendous picture. "Zuko! How's our Fire Lord doing?"

"Horribly. The construction of the Fire Nation Museum is going terribly, we're short of workers, the economy is going backwards, we may have to face a financial crisis…"

Sokka held up a hand. "Chill! Aren't you being a little paranoid?"

Zuko glared at him. "I am being _responsible_ and I think for the future, and…"

"You know what? I think you're stressing yourself insane. You are in dire need of some refreshment and amusement to cool you off, Sir Hotman!

"I'm FINE!" Zuko protested, being rather wary of Sokka's taste in amusement, as one of them included watching plays performed by the Ember Island Players, which in Zuko's opinion was capable of causing serious burning out of the eyes and severe brain damage if viewed too frequently.

"No you are NOT fine!"

"Yes I am!"

"No you aren't!"

"Yes I am!"

"No you aren't!"

"Yes I aren't—I mean, am!"

"Whatever you say, oh almighty Fire Lord…"

Nevertheless, Sokka had made up his mind to take the matter into his own hands against Zuko's will, as Zuko found out a few days later.

* * *

_Three days later, at night…_

A man knelt before the Royal Throne. "Fire Lord Zuko, there's a…_musical_ _band_ at the doorstep, sir."

"What?" Zuko couldn't believe his ears.

"A musical band, sir. The 'Rocky Rockin' Rockers', from the Earth Kingdom, I think. They say they had accepted a request made by a Mr. Sokka."

Zuko shot a glare at the Water Tribe boy, who gave him an innocent glance in return. But it was too late now.

"Oh well, invite them in."

A big hairy man in rock clothing and a tattoo on his shoulder lumbered in, followed by five band members carrying instruments. After five minutes of exchanging pleasantries, Zuko braced himself as the members of the band readied their musical instruments and the hairy man sucked in a humungous breath of air.

_Somebody call 911!_

_Shawty fire burning on the dance floor, WHOA!_

_(Fire burning, fire burning)_

Zuko clenched his jaw._ I'll be quite happy to oblige and call 911 myself_, thought Zuko bitterly as his eardrums rattled.

_I gotta cool her down_

_She wan' bring the roof to ground_

_On the dance floor, WHOOOOAAA!_

_Yeah, you really are going to bring the ceiling down any moment, if you keep going at this rate!_ Zuko winced as the lead singer shrieked away like a banshee, his band drumming and twanging the instruments randomly.

_Fire burning, fire burning…_

_I'm really gonna give you FIRE BURNING if you don't shut up now! _Unfortunately, that would probably anger the Earth Kingdom and start another hundred years of war, so Zuko could only suffer in silence.

After two hours of blaring rock music and screechy singing, Zuko felt like screaming in frustration. All of a sudden, he found himself missing his uncle's music nights. He'd gladly play the tsungi horn all night for his uncle rather than sit here and be tortured. He was ready to get down on his knees and beg, _Make it stop, please, for Agni's sake, make it stop…_

Two more hours dragged past. Zuko was seriously considering knocking himself out with a well-aimed fire blast to the head before the music did it, when the tune twanged to a stop.

Zuko slumped in his seat, exhausted. Random thoughts like _oh, Agni_ and _hate…Sokka _churned around his brain.

The trauma was finally over. But another problem arose.

"WHAT? I'M THE ONE WHO HAS TO PAY? FOR ALL THAT TUNELESS CRASHING AND BANGING?"

Seems like Zuko won't be in a hurry to watch a band again.


	9. Avatar's Got Talent: Part 1

A/N: This story is for **BlueNPurpleEternalFlames** and **Yogogirl13**. Thanks for favouriting!

* * *

**Avatar's Got Talent: Part 1**

_(Glaring spotlights beam down on a stage shrouded in darkness, revealing a tall man in blue Water Tribe clothing.)_

Kuruk: Welcome to the show of the year, the one that's sure to blow you off your seats, the one and only…AVATAR'S GOT TALENT!

_(Audience cheer madly.)_

Kuruk: This manly, handsome guy standing right in front of your eyes will be your host, Avatar KURUK! And please give a round of applause to our judges, Avatar Roku, Avatar Kyoshi and Avatar Yangchen!

_(Audience shriek and whoop as the three previous Avatars incline their heads graciously in a dignified, Avatar-like fashion.)_

Kuruk: We have consulted a feng shui master, and he says that to ensure that the show will proceed smoothly, we will have to begin the first round with contestants who are DECEASED.

_(Audience stare in shock and silence.)_

Kuruk: So please welcome our first contestant of the dead, MONK GYATSO!

Gyatso: I am honoured to participate in this modern show of yours, Kuruk. Even the dead have to catch up with the times to stay in style.

_(All of a sudden, Aang bursts onto the stage.)_

Aang: GYAAATSOOOOO! I thought you were gone forever… _(wraps Gyatso in a tight hug, sobbing)_

Gyatso: I AM gone forever, my dear boy, but I have been resurrected to take part in this show. After everything is over, I will go back to being dead.

Aang: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! _(runs off the stage wailing)_

Kuruk: That was dramatic.

Gyatso: Forget about him. Now I am going to perform…the perfect way to make the perfect fruit pie! _(pulls out cooking ingredients)_ Lalala…add this to that, and twirl it up with a bit of Airbending to give it that appetizing twist…There! _(holds up five fruit pies)_ And then you place it on the table, aim at your desired target, and…AIRBENDING BLAST! _(sends fruit pies flying into the Council of Elders' faces)_ AHAHAHA! That never gets old!

Kuruk: Excellent aim and wonderful pie-making, Gyatso! Now, what are the judges' comments?

Yangchen: Creative use of Airbending!

Roku: Creative use of pie!

Kyoshi: Creative _waste_ of pie…I was hoping to eat that…

Kuruk: Thank you Gyatso! Next contestant, the ultimate ladies' man…JET!

Jet: Hello, darlings…

_(Katara rushes onstage.)_

Katara: Jet? You're DEAD?

Jet: Yes, honey, I'm dead.

Katara: B-b-but how...

* * *

_Flashback..._

Jet lay weakly on the bed. He had sustained serious injury from his fight with Long Feng under Lake Laogai, but Smellerbee and Longshot managed to get help. Now his situation was no longer critical, but he was still sore. Ha, it will take more than that to kill ol' Jet.

Smellerbee burst into the room. "Jet! We've won the war! The Fire Nation's defeated! You can stop worrying now!"

Jet froze.

Smellerbee rushed over to his bedside to plop down into a chair beside Longshot. "Your health's going to take a HUGE turn for the better!"

Jet smiled a weird smile. "Actually, no."

Smellerbee's face fell. "WHY NOT?"

"My purpose in life was to make sure those Fire Nation scum are beaten. Now that the war's over…I'm done. Goodbye." With that, Jet rolled up his eyeballs, stuck out his tongue and died.

Smellerbee and Longshot stared at each other. Then they started hitting their heads on the table.

* * *

_Back to the present..._

Jet: You happy now? Stop stealing my spotlight!

Katara: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! _(runs off the stage wailing like Aang.)_

Kuruk: So what's your performance going to be, Jet? Has it got something to do with ladies?

Jet: You guessed it! _(walks up to a random girl sitting in the front row)_ Hello there sweetheart, listen to this, I got it online: _(reads off a piece of paper)_

_Roses are red, violet are blue_

_Monkeys like you should be kept in the zoo_

_Don't feel so angry, I'll be there too_

_Not in a cage but laughing at you!_

_(Lady slaps Jet across his face.)_

Jet: Oops. Wrong paper.

Kuruk: Wow, you're more old-fashioned than Gyatso…"roses are red, violets are blue"? Puh-lease! That's at least a few hundred years old!

Roku: Yeah, get on with the times, man!

Yangchen: "Selfless duty calls you to sacrifice your own horrible taste and do whatever it takes to protect your reputation with pretty girls."

Kyoshi: Hey, you edited that sentence from the speech you gave Aang…

Yangchen: Whatever.

Kuruk: Get off the stage, Jet. Okay, guys, the performance after the potty break will be by three members from the Fire Nation Royal Family...Stay tuned!

* * *

_Commercial: "Eat AvatarOats and stay in tip-top condition like me!" (Aang goes into the Avatar state, waving a stalk of wheat insanely.)_

* * *

Kuruk: Continuing the show. Please welcome previous Fire Lords Sozin, Azulon and Ozai…Wait, Ozai? I thought you were supposed to be alive?

Ozai: Well, the most recent reincarnation of the Avatar killed me after the end of the series… _(glares at Kuruk, Roku, Kyoshi and Yangchen)_

Kyoshi: Doesn't make sense. Aang would've killed you off in the last episode if he wanted to.

Ozai: He wanted to keep his Mr. Nice Guy exterior in the cartoon, so he murdered me right after the last episode was filmed.

Aang: LIAR!

Kuruk: Ah, you're better off dead anyway. What'choo gonna perform, Fire Lords?

Sozin, Azulon and Ozai: _(in unison)_ Romance play by using Firebending!

Kuruk: Oookay…

_(Sozin, Azulon and Ozai Firebend the shapes of a curvy lady and two men.)_

Ozai: _(makes the "lady" wipe her tears)_ Oh, Edward…Jacob… _(__speaks in a ridiculously high-pitched voice)_

Azulon: _(makes "man no. 1" put his hands on the "lady"'s shoulder)_ Don't cry, Bella...

Sozin: _(makes "man no. 2 move forward threateningly)_ Get away from my girlfriend, Jacob!

Kyoshi: I HATE ROMANCE DRAMAS! Especially from Twilight! _(hits a button frantically: "BEEP!" A big "X" on top of the stage lights up.)_

Roku: The shapes of the humans are very accurate, but…I hate Twilight.

Yangchen: Aww, I wish we had got to the part where the vampires go into blood frenzies and werewolves tear its victims to bits…

_(Everyone stares at Yangchen.)_

Yangchen: What?

Kuruk: …Anyway, thank you Fire Lords for your soppy drama. May I present the next contestant…Ursa!

_(Ursa walks onto the stage and Zuko dashes forwards.)_

Zuko: M-m-mom? You're d-d-dead?

Ursa: Zuko, long time no see. You've grown so much! Wait…how come you've got a whopping SCAR on your face?

Zuko: _(snivels)_ D-d-dad gave it to me as a present…

Ursa: OZAI? HE DID THIS TO MY BABY? OZAI, YOU JUST WAIT, I'M GONNA BEAT YOU UP… _(produces a baseball bat and charges backstage, with Zuko tailing her from behind, sniffing.)_

_(A minute later, piteous howls are heard along with grunts and sounds of whacking. A voice exclaiming: "Mommy! My hero!" can be heard in the background.)_

Roku: That's my granddaughter… _(wipes away a tear)_

Kuruk: Ah, a mother's love will never die. Let's move on with the show…It's your turn, KYA!

_(Kya appears onstage.)_

Hakoda: DARLING! _(flings himself onto Kya)_

Kuruk: Not another reunion…

Sokka and Katara: MOM! _(clings to Kya like Hakoda)_

Kuruk: This may take a while. Oh whatever, go backstage to tell each other how much you love each other and hug each other, etc, etc.

_(Kya, Hakoda, Katara and Sokka go backstage.)_

Kuruk: Next…LU TEN!

Lu Ten: _(faces Iroh)_ Hi, dad!

Iroh: _(Overwhelmed with nostalgia)_…

Lu Ten: Dad, I'm sorry for leaving you so soon. I hope you can move on. But today, I'm gonna make you proud!

Iroh: OH LU TEN! _(bawls at the top of his voice)_

_(Audience go "awwww…")_

Lu Ten: Today I will perform one of the most sacred arts of all…tea-making! And not only that, I'll play Pai Sho at the same time too. Avatar Kuruk, care to play?

Kuruk: Sure!

Lu Ten: Game on! _(whisks out tea-making apparatus and a Pai Sho set. Kuruk starts to play Pai Sho with him.)_ This piece goes here…add this packet of tea leaves…defend my borders…pour more hot water…place White Lotus here…and TA-DA! Tea's ready and I win the game!

_(Kuruk groans. Lu Ten hands Yangchen the cup of tea.)_

Yangchen: Mmm…aromatic scent…rich in flavor…calming qualities…one of the best teas I've ever tasted!

Iroh: LU TEN! You are your father's son! _(crushes Lu Ten in a bear hug, weeping)_

Kuruk: Thank you oh mighty Pai Sho player. Tonight's last contestant is…_(glances at paper)_…UMMI! Hang on…UMMI? Sweetheart?... _(eyes start watering)_

Ummi: You didn't protect me…

Kuruk: Ummi! I'm so so so sorry…I missed you so much…wait, UMMIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII!

_(Kuruk chases after Ummi, wailing like Aang and Katara before him.)_

Roku: _(clears throat)_ Ahem! Seems like our host has urgent matters to attend to, so I'll take over…Ladies and gentlemen, thanks for watching the first round of Avatar's Got Talent! Remember, hurry up and buy tickets for our next show, which will be…whenever Kuruk regains his sanity. GOOD NIGHT!

* * *

A/N: Anyone got any suggestions for the next show?


	10. Happy Birthday, Mai

_A/N: Those who are waiting for the next round of Avatar's Got Talent, sorry! I just had to post this chapter first, so Avatar's Got Talent has to wait for a while more. But in the meantime, enjoy!_

* * *

**Happy Birthday, Mai**

Mai's birthday was just around the corner. Not that she expected any gifts, but Zuko just wanted to present her with a little something as a token of gratefulness that she was there by his side. Problem was, Zuko had absolutely no idea about what to give. She wasn't like Ty Lee, or most girls in that matter, who adored pretty trinkets. _And trash_, thought Zuko wryly. Nope, seems like the only things Mai was interested in were knives and himself. But who in the world would give _knives_ as a birthday present?

Zuko sighed, slightly frustrated. "Hey, what 'choo puffing around for, almighty Fire Lord?" Sokka sauntered up. "Firebending isn't good enough for you? Trying to learn some Airbending?"

Zuko grimaced at him. "I'm not in the mood for your lame jokes."

"Then what's bothering your teeny-tiny Fire Lord brain?"

"It's gonna be Mai's birthday in a two days' time and I haven't figured out what to give her."

"Well, you've come to the right place!" Sokka's chest inflated proudly. "I happen to have loads of experience dealing with ladies."

"Like the time you tried to impress some pretty girls from the poetry place in Ba Sing Se and ended up getting kicked out?"

"…Who told you that? Anyway, you shouldn't listen to exaggerated stories. Apart from said incident, I was and am totally smooth with ladies."

Aang, who was listening to the conversation from a corner, bounced towards them. "Maybe you should just give her some flowers, Zuko. I've seen panda lilies in action before and they work like a charm!"

* * *

And that was why the three of them were standing in a flower shop, surrounded by a variety of exotic plants.

"Which ones should I get?" Zuko stared round at the multicoloured blossoms.

"Aww, just pick a few stalks. Flowers are just plants to me." Sokka waved a hand dismissively, earning a glare from Zuko.

"Doesn't every flower have a different meaning? Zuko should buy some that mean…what he means, right?" Aang glanced at Sokka.

Sokka merely snorted. "Bah, don't listen to that balderdash. Flowers can mean anything you like. I can even make some up." He put on a deep professional voice and gestured to a blue flower with floaty petals. "This, gentlemen, is called the Azure Sky. It symbolizes a peaceful and tranquil life."

Sokka then pointed to a deep purple bell-shaped blossom. "That delicate flower is known as 'Exotica Romantica', meaning total and complete devotion to your lover or in other words: 'I will always be there for you, my forever babe'."

"And that bright yellow flower over there is called the Kiss of Sunshine. See the frilly edges? A symbol of feistiness or: 'You're smoking hot, chick!' And that one…"

"Yeah, yeah, we get it!" Zuko rolled his eyes. Aang giggled. "Wow, Sokka, you're genius at this!"

"But I didn't even get to use the fancy words like 'ethereal' and 'angelic' and 'refined'!" complained Sokka as Zuko randomly chose a few flowers and handed the shopkeeper some coins.

"Thank you, sirs! The plants will activate in a few days, once they get used to the environment outside!" The shopkeeper called after their retreating backs.

"_Activate_? What does he mean _activate_?" wondered Aang as they trudged away.

"Maybe the smell or something," shrugged Sokka.

None of them noticed the sign above the shop read "Doom By Flower Power".

* * *

_Two days later…_

Zuko grinned at Mai. "Happy birthday!" He handed her the bouquet of colourful flowers with a flourish.

"Oh, Zuko…" Mai gave him a rare smile. "You shouldn't have gone to the trouble…" She fingered a pink blossom.

All of a sudden, the delicate petals unfurled, revealing rows of razor-sharp teeth. Mai shouted in shock as the flower snapped angrily at her hand, nearly taking her fingers off.

An orange bloom streaked with yellow started shooting out a stream of vicious thorns from its deep black centre, narrowly missing Zuko's ear. Mai dropped the bouquet as an innocent-looking, light blue flower shot out a spiky vine that lashed about mercilessly. Zuko yelled and set the vine on fire, hoping to reduce it to ash. But that didn't work. Now it wasn't just a spiky vine, it was a spiky, flaming vine.

A white, ladylike blossom shaped like a drooping bell let out a loud, unladylike honk that echoed around the corridor. A vivid red flower with broad petals started to shriek like a banshee, adding to the din.

Then a pale yellow bud began to fart out a foul-smelling gas, filling the place with disgusting green clouds.

Just as Mai and Zuko were about to be shredded, spiked, whipped, deafened and suffocated to death, a powerful gust swept the greenish mist away and the plants ceased their attacks. Their stems hung in midair, motionless, like they were paralyzed.

Aang, Sokka and Toph rushed towards the choking Fire Lord and his girlfriend. "Mai! Zuko! Are you alright?" Katara, who had been bending the water in the flowers to stop them from moving, froze the plants with the water from her pouch and ran towards them too.

Neither Mai nor Zuko answered the question. Mai was too busy glaring daggers as sharp as her own knives at Zuko, while the latter cowered in fear.

"Uh, Mai, I'm sorry about everything but…happy birthday?"

"I. Hate. You."


	11. City of Jennamite and Madness

A/N: Sorry folks, another delay for Avatar's Got Talent! It'll be ready for the next chapter, I think.

* * *

**City of Jennamite and Madness**

The Cabbage Merchant looked up at the looming city of Omashu, his precious cabbage cart by his side. Yeah, he had some bad experiences there (and all because of that annoying Avatar brat), but he'd decided to give it another try. After all, the city was being rebuilt, given a fresh start. Nothing should go wrong now…

"Sokka, will you stop stuffing your face already? You've been eating non-stop since we set out from the Fire Nation!"

"I'm a growing bo…_man_, Katara. I need sufficient nourishment!"

"It's okay, Katara. Let him eat. We've got enough supplies."

"See, Katara? Aang's with me!"

The Cabbage Merchant stiffened. Not again, not again… The Avatar was a bad omen, he was sure of it. He grabbed his cart and rushed towards the main entrance as if sabre-tooth moose-lions were after him. "Run, my cabbagey darlings, RUN!"

"Halt!" A guard stopped him. "What sort of rubbishy stock are you bringing into our city? These are full of cabbage slugs!" With that, the guard Earthbended his entire cart into the ravine.

"MY CABBAGES!" The Cabbage Merchant clutched his head in his hands desperately and nearly jumped after his beloved vegetables. See what he meant? Where the Avatar goes, trouble is sure to follow.

The group that consisted of the Avatar, Fire Lord Zuko, Katara, Sokka, Toph and Momo entered the city without a hitch, oblivious to the Cabbage Merchant's despair. Mai was in the Fire Nation, managing the palace and nation affairs. She hadn't wanted to come. According to her, Omashu was the most boring place in the world.

"Bumi!" Aang, with Momo on his shoulder, hurried towards a stooped figure in horrible purple robes.

113-year-old King Bumi chuckled, a lopsided grin on his face and an insane glint in his eyes. "MOMO! It's an honour to meet you again. How are you doing, my lord?" Momo chittered grandly.

"I'm glad you're healthy and well. Oh, hello there, the rest of you." Bumi cast a trifling glance at the rest of the Gaang.

"Is it just me, or does the city look…shinier?" Sokka squinted at the massive buildings.

King Bumi cackled. "Spot on! Now that I've reconquered my city, I've decided to rebuild it most magnificently…with JENNAMITE!" He gestured towards the sparkling structures. At that moment, a half-completed building shimmered and part of its wall grew taller.

"Bumi, you're a mad genius!" Aang exclaimed.

"I know," smirked Bumi. He pointed to a group of Earthbenders clustered around the foot of the building. "Skilled Earthbenders supervise the construction and make sure the buildings grow in the right direction, according to the plans, blah blah blah."

"When the structures overgrow themselves, Earthbenders will explode the extra sections. I like exploding rock candy!" He cackled madly.

"Cool! Can I try exploding one?" asked Toph excitedly.

"Be my guest!" Bumi motioned to a glittering house nearby with a large piece of jennamite jutting out from its roof. Toph thrust out her arms and half the roof blew up. "Oops."

Bumi surveyed the ruined house with a cocked eyebrow. "You know, I think it looks better this way. One side of the house will be boringly normal, and the side without a roof will be transformed into an open-air barbeque area!" He cackled madly. Zuko rolled his eyes.

"What do you do with the exploded pieces?" Katara looked at the rubble on the ground.

"Why, sell 'em of course!" Bumi led them to a row of stalls selling pieces of jennamite. The shops seemed to do fairly good business. "Try one!" Bumi snatched up a huge chunk and chomped away. Aang and Toph took some too.

Katara and Sokka stared at each other, then declined. "We've had some not-so-nice experiences with that stuff." "Yeah, thanks to you, Bumi," Sokka muttered under his breath.

Zuko warily picked up a piece, then bit into it. There was a sickening crunch. "Ooooow..." The Fire Lord whimpered pathetically as his hands flew to his mouth. His teeth tingled, like they were going to drop off one by one.

Bumi sniggered. "Non-Earthbenders shouldn't chew it. You should just pop a tiny bit into your mouth. Remember, _tiny_. If it's too big it'll grow and grow before you manage to suck it up and then it'll expand till it's too big for your mouth and in the end your head will explode. Now, we don't want to decorate the streets with bloody body bits like eyeballs and noses right? They might put off the tourists."

"Before we go and get bored to death by dreary meetings, what about going for a ride in the mail chute?" He winked at Aang. "And now the tracks are made of slippery jennamite too!"

"I'm game!" Aang agreed enthusiastically. "Sounds like fun," remarked Toph. Katara, Sokka and Zuko made their excuses and backed away.

"All aboard!" Bumi cackled and Aang and Toph scrambled into a chute. He clambered in and lurched forwards. The chute tilted, wobbled dangerously and whooshed down the tracks at sixty miles per hour.

"WHOOO-HOOOOOOOOOO! Now this is the way to fly! While we're still connected to the earth!" Toph yelled as the chute turned a corner at breakneck speed.

Aang craned his neck forwards and shouted a warning. "BUMI! Our path ends over there!" Sure enough, there was a gigantic gap between their track and the next one. The jennamite hadn't grown enough to reach it.

"Not to worry," Bumi grinned and shoved his arms to the front. The jennamite formed an upwards slope. The chute shot up into the air, Aang and Toph yelling in shock while Bumi cackled maniacally.

The chute landed with a thud on the other track, jolting its occupants. "Whew! That was a close call!" puffed Aang. However, his relief didn't last long. This track wasn't finished either and it ended at least three storeys from the ground. Apparently, Toph sensed it too. "We are going to DIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!"

Bumi snorted. "Bah, it's just a few feet from the bottom! Not a problem for Earthbenders!"

The cart hurtled off the track and was suspended in midair for a moment, before it dropped towards the ground like a stone. Fortunately, something cushioned their fall. Unfortunately, that something was the Cabbage Merchant's cartful of cabbages.

"MY CABBAGES!" No matter that the war was over, some things never change.

* * *

A/N: I thought it would be interesting to reconstruct Omashu with jennamite. After all, their king is slightly cuckoo and a big fan of rock candy right?


	12. Bedtime Stories

A/N: Another delay for Avatar's Got Talent. Again. By now maybe some of you want to tear me to death, but be patient. I'll post it when I manage to think up something interesting. For now, enjoy!

* * *

**Bedtime Stories**

It was the middle of the night. All the members of the Fire Nation Royal Family were deep in slumber. Well, all except for one…

A five-year-old Zuko stumbled into Ozai's bedroom, lugging his cuddly dragon plushie behind him. He clambered onto Ozai's downy bed and placed a tiny hand on his snoring father's shoulder. "Daddy…"

Ozai mumbled in his sleep. "War…Kill…Destroy…Incinerate…"

Zuko shook him lightly. Ozai did not stir. Zuko then crept over to Ozai's foot and tickled him.

The effect was instantaneous. Ozai shot up into the air with a shriek, flailing about and nearly kicking his son across the room like a football.

"Oh. It's you." Ozai calmed down as he glanced at the cowering Zuko. "What do you want now?"

Zuko sniffled as he warily climbed back onto Ozai's bed. "Daddy, I no sleep. Dweaming scawy monsters."

"So?"

"Tell me bedtime stowy, Daddy…" Zuko begged.

Ozai sighed. "Fine."

"Once upon a time there was a cowardly little brat who dreamed about monsters every night. The monsters haunted the back of his mind so much that he would run sniveling to his mighty father's chambers each time he dreamed that dream. One night, his father got so annoyed that he told the little boy to go back to his room to face his fears like a man. The boy refused and his father incinerated him to get rid of the pest for once and for all. The End."

Zuko sniffed. "I don't wike the end, Daddy. The boy's daddy so ewil. I happy my daddy not wike that boy's daddy." The clueless kid then proceeded to wrap Ozai in a tight embrace. Ozai rolled his eyes at the innocence of his stupid naïve son. "Yeah whatever. You happy now?"

"Can you change the end, Daddy? I sad for poor boy." Zuko stared hopefully at Ozai through adorable puppy-eyes.

Ozai controlled his temper. "Fine."

"When the irritating bugger refused to return to his bedroom, his father grabbed his ear—" Zuko winced. "—dragged him down the corridor, flung him back into his room, locked the door and burned the key to a crisp. The boy's imagination grew so wild that the monsters in his nightmares came to life, tore him apart and devoured him. All that was left of the boy was his royal headpiece. The End."

Ozai glared at the trembling Zuko. "That okay for you?"

"No, Daddy. This end badder than first stowy."

Ozai lost his cool. "Can you just leave me ALONE in peace?"

Zuko gulped as he backed away. Clearly, he wasn't going to get any reassurance from his Daddy. He tripped back to his bedroom, hugging his dragon plushie close to his chest.

Zuko placed his pillows around the edges of his bed to act as a barrier between him and the monsters. He scrambled under his sheets and buried his head under a pillow, hoping that the monsters won't spot him. Ursa came into her son's room the next morning to find him shivering in his "fortress", cocooned in a tangle of blankets.

* * *

A/N: Poor, pitiful Zuzu.

Pleeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaase review! I'd like to know what you think!


	13. Best Mom and Dad

**Best Mom and Dad**

An eight-year-old Zuko wandered into his father's study. "Daddy, I'm bored."

Ozai, who was pondering over some important documents, didn't even look up. "Go practise your Firebending, incinerate somebody or blow something up."

Zuko was aghast. "But Daddy, won't insinara…insenira…incinare…_burning_ somebody be very, very, very painful? Painful hurts a lot, Daddy."

Ozai didn't bother to respond. What was to be expected from his wimpy son?

_An hour later…_

A five-year-old Azula sauntered into Ozai's study. "Daddy, I is bored."

Ozai glanced at his tiny daughter. "Well…go play with your dolls."

"I not like dolls. Stupid toys not fun. Lighting them wiff fire more fun," replied little Azula with relish.

Ozai raised an eyebrow. His daughter seemed to have some interest in the art of destroying various objects with flames. And Ozai approved of this interest. "Go set something ablaze, then."

"Alweady done that. Nanny's robes on fire now!" Azula smiled in satisfaction at the memory of her fussy nanny running around screaming with black clouds of smoke billowing from her long dress.

Ozai nodded, his brow furrowed in thought. This daughter of his had displayed great talent in Firebending, much more talent than her worthless elder brother had ever shown. Clearly, she could be molded into a prodigy later on, what with her skill and killer instinct.

"Azula, I am going to arrange for you to take Firebending lessons seven days per week. Train hard and do not disappoint me."

Azula smiled, a wicked glint in her eyes. "Goody! Burn things every day!"

_Meanwhile…_

Ursa sat by the turtle-duck pond, throwing scraps of bread into the water and watching the turtle-ducks peck them up hungrily.

Zuko strolled over and sat down cross-legged beside her. "Mommy, Daddy told me to insinora…inserinate…inrecinate…"

"Incinerate?" Ursa suggested.

"Yes! In-ci-ne-rate somebody. Daddy told me to do that. Should I?"

Ursa ruffled Zuko's hair. "No, dear. Incinerating a person will put him in a lot of pain. Burning somebody is a very cruel thing to do."

Zuko's expression was confused. "So Daddy is cruel?"

Ursa shrugged. "Maybe he's just frustrated or something. Don't mind him."

Azula rushed towards them. "Haha! Daddy says I study Firebending every day! Gooder than you, Zuzu!" She stuck her tongue out at the surprised Zuko.

"Don't stick your tongue out, Azula. It's rude." Ursa berated her daughter.

"You get Firebending lessons _every day_? How come I only get training three days a week?" Zuko asked indignantly.

"Maybe you too useless, Zuzu," mocked Azula.

"Azula! Don't provoke your brother!" scolded Ursa. She wrapped an arm around Zuko's shoulder. "I'll talk to your father, Zuko. Maybe we can arrange for you to have your lessons with Azula, okay?"

Zuko pouted. Azula waggled her tongue at him one more time before running off.

"Perhaps she's right. I'm too useless." Zuko hugged his legs to his chest sadly.

"No, Zuko. You're not. So long as you keep trying, you will never be useless." Ursa comforted him in a soothing tone.

Zuko's eyes sparkled as he looked up at his mother. "You're the best, Mom!"

Azula bounced into Ozai's study, sniggering. "Zuzu so shocked when I tell him!"

"Serves him right."

Azula grinned at Ozai. "You is the best, Dad!"

* * *

_A/N: Sorry for the crappy ending. I just wanted to highlight the weird differences in their family. Azula and Ozai are cold and heartless, whereas Zuko and Ursa are warmer and more kindhearted. Well, for Zuko the "warm" part is "was"; he isn't very friendly nowadays. Azula is daddy's little girl, Zuko is mommy's little boy. Wonder why Ursa decided to marry Ozai in the first place, they seem so different…_


	14. The Moustache Legacy

**The Moustache Legacy**

Tyro frowned at the mirror in concentration as he trimmed his beard carefully with a pair of scissors. He scrutinized his reflection, running a hand down to the very tip of his thick beard. It was his pride and joy, other than his son Haru, and he spent half an hour every day giving it a good scrub with specially-made, branded beard-conditioner: Sleek 'n' Shiny.

He stared at the mirror, still unsatisfied with his appearance. There was a stray hair poking out, but a little snip should solve it…

"Good morning, Dad!" A familiar voice hollered. So intense was Tyro's concentration, he hadn't noticed anyone behind him. He gave a start and snipped at his beard without thinking.

A handful of shiny white hair fell to the ground in slow motion as Tyro watched in terror. He glanced up at the mirror. A large chunk was missing from his beloved beard, and the end was frayed and looked like a brush. "NOOOOOOOO…"

"Dad!" Haru rushed forwards in shock. "Did you cut yourself?"

"No, it's worse…I cut my BEARD!" Tyro fingered his frazzled beard, horrified. "I spent months and months taming it and trimming it to perfection, but now it's RUINED!" Tyro put his head in his hands, devastated.

Haru stood rooted in his spot, petrified. His father, the great, courageous Tyro, had _never_ lost control before. A few seconds passed before Haru could react. "I am so sorry, Dad…"

"All my efforts…obliterated in just one clip," Tyro groaned. "This is a disaster! My facial hair is in tatters!"

"Um, Dad, speaking of facial hair…" Haru paused and looked sheepish. "I've decided to follow in your footsteps…and grow a beard."

Tyro sprang upright. "YES! My son has finally grown up! You, my boy, must continue my LEGACY!" He wrapped an arm around a stunned Haru's shoulder and reached the other arm towards the rising sun. "I will teach you the ways of caring for a beard, how to shape it and coax it into a manly shape and many other masculine arts and methods besides."

"Uh…okay." Haru felt awkward. He hoped that his father's brain hadn't gone haywire from planning too many battle strategies or something.

* * *

_Five months later…_

Haru lifted a razor to his chin.

"No, no, no, you're not holding it right, Haru," Tyro grabbed his son's hand and corrected his grip. "You have to hold it like _this_, to prevent it from slipping."

Tyro was a bit troubled. Five months had passed and his son still hadn't mastered the basics of shaving. And Haru's facial hair merely consisted of two skinny lines of moustache and a puny tip above his chin.

Haru's eyebrows knitted together as he struggled with the contrary razor. He was rather worried too. He didn't want to disappoint his beard-loving dad, but he hadn't made much progress with his father's "masculine arts and methods". He may be a skilled Earthbender, but he certainly was a failure at beard-bending.

Tyro sensed his son's frustration. "Haru, don't put too much stress on yourself. Manly arts take many years to perfect. I am sure you will improve over time."

Haru grinned at Tyro. "Thanks, Dad."

"No problem, son. In the meantime, I will teach you the secrets of maintaining the lustre of your moustache. Daily shampooing will ensure a luxurious sheen, and moustache waxes will allow you to shape it as you wish. Oh, and make sure to eat more phoenix peaches, they help with the shine..."

The father and son sat facing the horizon, discussing facial hair growth stimulants and arguing whether Sleek 'n' Shiny or Mr. Beardy is better until the sun disappeared below the mountains in the distance.

* * *

_A/N: I know there are quite a number of stories about Haru's moustache, but I just had to write one about it. Haru looks really weird with his lame attempt at a beard, but he just had to grow one... Oh well._


	15. Joo Dee: The Last Joo Dee

**Joo Dee: The Last Joo Dee**

"Long ago, the three rings of Ba Sing Se lived together in peace and harmony." _(Posh-looking people in expensive clothing sit primly in their carriages, turning up their noses at vagabonds by the roadside.)_

"Then, everything changed when the Avatar and his band of troublemakers barged in." _(A figure in red and yellow races past, a stampede of zoo animals hot on his heels. A moment later, a crashing noise is heard as pieces of broken wood and trampled cabbages fly in all directions. "MY CABBAGES!")_

"Only a Joo Dee, queen of creepily cheerful expressions and master of saying 'There is no war in Ba Sing Se' can stop them." _(A Joo Dee flashes her eerie signature smile.)_

"But when the world needed her most, she vanished." _(The earlier scene disappears.)_ "And because all the brainwa-_training_ tools are malfunctioning, the Dai Li are unable to produce more Joo Dees."

"By the way, results of the malfunctioning equipment are mentally deranged youngsters who own twin hook swords and will not hesitate to chop people up."

"What am I rambling about? Anyway, one day Long Feng—my power-hungry maniac of a brother—and I discovered the new Joo Dee, a Joo Dee named Joo Dee." _(Said power-hungry maniac of a brother Earthbends a huge piece of crystal open, revealing a Joo Dee with glowing eyes and arrow tattoos…Oops, sorry, the scene got mixed up with the original cartoon's.)_

"And although her tour-guiding skills are great, she has a lot to learn before she's ready to convince anyone there is no war in Ba Sing Se." _(Joo Dee walks up to a young man with a scar on his face and says, "There is no war in Ba Sing Se." "WHAT? Are you kidding me? There is not only a war in Ba Sing Se, there is a war involving the fate of the nations and the restoration of my honour! There is a war inside myself, and I must put an end to it to regain my honour…" The teenager goes off into an emotional rant, ending with: "…so anybody who says different, I'll burn them to a crisp…with…a torch…of course. Nothing to do with Firebending. Who said anything about Firebending?")_

"But I believe, Joo Dee can keep Ba Sing Se in brainwashed, faked peace." _(Joo Dee stares down at the city from a cliff. Dramatic music plays.)_


End file.
